Giraffe Leukemia – Contracted by using a toilet immediately after a black virgin. Symptoms include hair and nails growing at their normal rate. Treatment consists of taking off clothes and screaming.

Equine AIDS – Contracted by eating expired condoms. Symptoms include blood and skin. Treatment consists of self-massage with happy ending.

Elephant Alzheimer’s – Contracted when proctologist probes primary anus instead of secondary anus. Symptoms include bendable knees and elbows. Treatment consists of Jell-O taken nasally.

Salmon Goiters – Contracted by tickling a Jew. Symptoms include pupils capable of becoming larger or smaller. Treatment consists of watching Air Bud while listening to Dark Side of the Moon.

Unicorn Hypochondria – Contracted by using hammocks. Symptoms include getting a song stuck in your head and being unable to name the guy in that movie. Treatment consists of taint-pinching.

Squirrel Herpes – Contracted by taking off shoes at airport. Symptoms include expelling yellow fluid and having gross crap in your eyes in the morning. Treatment consists of improper bidet-use.

Panther Hernia – Contracted by going to strip clubs that serve nachos. Symptoms include being disappointed in America’s youth. Treatment consists of pickling used feminine hygiene products.

Tortoise Menopause – Contracted when you address a servant by his first name. Symptoms include having thoughts even after you’ve fallen asleep. Treatment consists of waterboarding your children.

Iguana Retardation – Contracted when you get your fourth tattoo. Symptoms include invisible freckles and having a left side. Treatment consists of reenacting the crucifixion in a Hooters.

Quail Alcoholism – Contracted by drinking Yoo-Hoo without shaking it. Symptoms include body fat of any percentage. Treatment consists of breast-feeding in your own crotch.

Duck Tourette’s – Contracted by writing “Hands off!” on your sack lunch. Symptoms include having or not having an appendix. Treatment consists of sucking on leeches.

Lemur Obesity – Contracted by wearing collar up and/or jeans frayed at purchase. Symptoms include aging at a rate of one year per year. Treatment consists of not eating the garnish.

Lobster Gayness – Contracted by coming within 50 yards of conjoined twins. Symptoms include vertebrae usage and moist eyeballs. Treatment consists of naming a sandwich before eating it.

Mudskipper Heart Attack – Contracted by never having seen Raging Bull. Symptoms include ugly genitals and wartless lungs. Treatment consists of growing a tail and then wagging it.

Rhinoceros Porn Addiction – Contracted by sleeping 6-8 hours a night. Symptoms include sleeping 6-8 hours a night. Treatment consists of sleeping 6-8 hours a night.